GENES

I have very good genes

my great-great-grandfather lived to be 119 and died with dignity

simply walked into his house lay down and died

having said before this “well now I will die” and my granny and his granddaughter

(when I hear this story for the umpteenth time I can’t stop laughing)

even calmed him down “no grandpa it’s still far too early”

perhaps my granny isn’t telling the truth

and perhaps she’s telling the truth but not the whole truth

after all I can’t dare say she is lying you can’t say that about your elders

but sometimes it seems to me granny embellishes things just a bit

119 years is too much even for the early 20th century

but who knows? no one counted those peasants anyway

nor did anyone issue them any documents

but all the same, I have fantastic genes

whatever you say

I have all the chances of making it to eighty and if gerontology

will advance in its scholarly pursuits and they invent

some new pills from old age then one can live on

even to ninety

my present lifestyle and the way I test my health

is an altogether different question

how we all fuck up and shit over our health

inhale tobacco smoke drink chlorinated water

keep sleepless nights get up at noon suffer from stress

wives betray us we betray our wives

every single day we die from jealousy

shepherd our property hold on to our wallets on the bus

sit in front of computers for hours

on the one hand, ads call us to healthy living

to healthy sex and cheer us up in various ways

on the other, it’s so hard to put on a condom

already at 29 it’s so hard to put on a condom

it would be easier to put in on a foot no I am not saying that I have erection problems

few people have erection problems at 29

but if I keep my laptop on top of my balls for another month

no spanish fly yohimbe or even viagra would save me

but I can’t do otherwise

I will continue keeping my laptop on top of my balls and

writing my hopeless verse which people increasingly often call stories

one aging lady, a sister of a slovene poet

who has been waiting in line for the nobel prize for several years now

said precisely this, “and why do you call THIS poetry?”

no I wanted to answer her don’t you worry

I am not going to compete with your brother

I am still too young for the nobel prize

I’ve a laptop on top of my balls and besides

I am not personally acquainted with john ashbery

and don’t have english translations

so stay cool old lady don’t you worry about your brother

I will go on keeping my laptop on top of my balls because

I can’t do otherwise it just doesn’t work out

if you like, call this stuff stories or call it dogshit

I can’t do otherwise

I can no longer let myself write in metaphors

play with the tradition and write about snails

perhaps you are right and poetry died inside me

(good God a metaphor again) and I am no poet any more

even less a poet of culture or a poet of nature

I’m a poet who keeps his laptop on top of his balls

simply call me thus,

“Andriy Bondar, a poet who keeps his laptop on top of his balls”

you can’t pay me a better compliment

should I explain to you what a laptop is?

Translated by Vitaly Chernetsky